I sit, I stare, and I wonder. I try to avoid the piteous grasp of self-pity but find myself succumbing to the reach of such a simple comfort as my own dismantled and decrepit thoughts, and for the first time in my life I wonder... Why? I always find myself lost it passionate fits of rage, be they outwardly directed, or inwardly, and yet I never cared to question as for a reason. It's like a treasure map, I'm at point A, the treasure is at point Z, but and the other 24 points are hidden from me. How do I get form point B - Y? It seems like such an easy answer, "Follow the map." But what happens when the map can erase itself, redraw itself, and change coordinates at will? It becomes a labyrinth, held by the strings of a puppet master, while I stand, hearing the malevolent laughter of the puppeteer, and yet they are hidden from me in a veil of shadow and confusion.
I find myself wanting to cry as the jest of the puppet master leads me onward, but I'm without tears to shed. I speak as a self-righteous individual, but know it's nothing more than a mask as I stare ahead, wondering where the answers are. I try to focus on the reality of others and not myself, and I find myself living in a lie. I am a hypocrite to the very words I preach. I will hold and bottle, and never release until I feel like I'm going to explode, and yet when it gets to the point that I need to find Coordinate Z I'm trapped at A trying to figure out where to go. Do I go south? Do I go North? East? West? Its a jigsaw puzzle and I'm one piece of 10,000 and the puzzlemaker hasn't put it all together yet.
And today, at point A, I was more lost than usual. This time I was trapped on and Island all alone, and had to cross oceans. I realized that on that island, there was no one, and I was trapped. I was trapped between Point A and Point Z and had no boat, and it was too far to swim. At this realization, and the laughter of the puppeteer once more, I was trapped. In a rage that I couldn't express. The questions that I found myself asking unlike any I'd ever asked myself before:
"Two words, how hard is it to say two words?"
"Who are your real friends? Who are images of who you want your friends to be?"
"What do you plan to do with your life? Where do you want to go?"
"Is it so hard to say one compliment...?"
Question after question as I felt myself walking out into the ocean, but sinking with each step. In those moments, self-pity engulfed me and I found myself suffocating. Shock, fear, despair all consuming me so quickly that I felt myself wanting to scream. I sat, realizing that in this world, I feel completely alone. That of all the people I could confide in, there would be maybe two who would understand or even want to understand. I sat in the deep despair that I couldn't even turn to my sister and trust her to understand the depression that I feel each and every time I hear the words, "Beth, you broke another promise." or "Beth, you did that again." On and on, and I crave to hear the words, "Thank you." or, "Awesome Job, Beth." A compliment, a smile saying she's proud. Something...? Anything...? I never hear that kind of thing.
Then, my dog was rushed to the vet because she went into seizures. She tensed up, went rigid, was shaking and having a hard time breathing. She couldn't move, her eyes were wide, and she was crying she was so terrified. I have yet to sit and actually cry, because I can't find the tears, even though I know they need to come. I now owe my sister 200 dollars, I can't pay off my credit card bill that's looming over me because of last semester's emergency and I feel trapped.
As I continue to sink further, I listen around me, I hear the voices of everyone who needs to vent, of everyone who I try to help. and give advise to, and I hear my own voice, talking about menial, small things, just so I can feel like I've had a moment to whine too. But in the end, the stress becomes a competition, and I feel trapped more, as I drown. I wonder why the stress we all feel has to become a competition, a battle for who has it worse, and who has it harder? I want to know why there can't be comradery between the anxiety we as humans all feel. Why one cannot listen and vent, or one cannot vent and also listen. It's frustrating, and it's hard, as the emotions of those who can only listen and advise well up and threaten to break through. And no matter how many hints I leave that I want to talk, that I need to confide, no one will listen. And I sink further.
My dog was rushed to the vet, and I had to hear about how "child support didn't come in" or how, even though the cupboards are stocked, there was worry about food. I had to hear about the wrongs in everyone else's lives, even though I was desperately trying to confide in someone, and even when they were done, and I waited, and I advised, and then I tried to say my piece, they had other things to do... And I couldn't handle it anymore. I fled, I fled from the computer, I fled from the living room where the only response to anything I could get was "Beth, you were looking for an excuse all day," or "I'm sorry." And I ran. I did anything I could to distract myself, and yet it only made it worse.
I started thinking about my friends, and started wondering who my friends are... I started thinking about how there is feigned excitement when I walk in a room, a hug from one person, a wave, and then... no one sans one person remembers I'm there... I remember the constant lectures of how much time I spend online, how I never do anything but sit in front of a computer all day. How I'm lazy, how I put my computer before my pets or friends, how I'm addicted... This and that, slander after insult, and I can't say anything. I cant say that I spend so much time on my computer because the friends that actually listen to me are two thousand miles away and can only be contacted through the World Wide Web. I can't explain that I escape to my computer because no one invites me to do anything, and that I have nothing else to do, no one to go anywhere with. I can't tell them that even when I go to see them, I get on my computer because I'm lonely as I sit there, trying to initiate a conversation but only get two words back, and then everyone goes silent. I can't say any of those things. I can't tell them that I'm lonely, and I'm desperate to spend time with them, but they never seem to remember I exist unless I'm there. I can't tell them that the only time they wanted to come to my house was when my roommate was home. And I can't tell them how much that hurts.
I recently found a romantic interest, and I know he's busy, but I wanted to see if he would text me on his own. Days have passed, not a "Hi," not a "how are you," or "what are the new adventures in the land of Liz." Nothing. And I feel lost there too. I feel that we are attempting something but it may be nothing more than superficial. I have initiated all contact since the first phone call. I've called, I've texted, and it's been nearly a week since we met, two weeks since the phone call. Two days have passed since I last texted and I've not heard a word. No returned emails... nothing.
So I sit even now, staring at my screen feeling lost, and not knowing what to do. Because for the first time in my life, I'm asking the questions that make me realize I'm lost, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, I don't know how to say the things I need to say. None of it. I'm drowning, and I don't think I'm ever going to make it from Point A, let alone get to Point Z.
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